Bitterness is a nasty potion that I've been drinking a lot of lately. Been mad at my ex for things he said and did. Mad and frustrated with friends who are mad and angry at me. Mad at nursing school for demanding every minute of my time. Mad at myself for getting mad. Mad mad mad. And anxious. Grades, work, money, wedding. All making me anxious that I'm not doing or planning any of it right. I hit a breaking point when I came home from class yesterday....was standing in the kitchen with tears pouring down my face, yelling about how sick I am of having constant knots in my stomach and tightness in my jaw and never-ceasing stress at the back of my mind and feeling like no matter what I do, I invariably fall short in one area or another and let someone down. Sick of having heartburn and headaches and a cold that has hung around for the last 3 weeks. Ready for a school break but knowing I only get four days off of school before diving straight back into it for a long haul till December. Sick at the thought of 7 more months of being apart from my fiance and only occasionally seeing him on weekends between now and then. Sick to my stomach every damn day over how I have lost one of my best friends for a reason I don't understand, and missing her so much it makes me cry when I think about it, which is all the time. Freaked about what to do for a vehicle since my truck broke down and gave up living 3 weeks ago. Freaked about paying for summer school and books and updating immunizations...and only having 30 dollars in my checking account. Freaked about passing pharmacology because if I don't then I won't be in nursing school anymore, because in spite of the stress, I love love love nursing school.
Finally at a point of admitting that I don't have control over this mess and even my best efforts fall short. Dramatically short. Willing to stop struggling, kicking, and screaming and hand it over to God. I'm really good at messing it up, but I know He is the best at running it. I've let so much build up and accumulate and fester in my heart that now there is just a lot of cynicism and bitterness...and it feels like it is eating my stomach and heart up all the time. I don't know what to do with it, I don't have the answers, and a lot of it is out of my control. Harboring anger and bitterness towards other people for things they have said or done won't change them...but it will change me. OK, it has changed me. It's not fair to the people around me, to my fiance, and definitely not what God intends for me to do or be. Ever sit and wonder how many more times in life you'll end up on your face? I think I have at least 432654377843435548999887654 more times to clean the mud off of my face and pray for forgiveness.
<3 Gina
