Superior Cell Phone Genetics

Tonight, in a wild streak of devilry and rebellion, I set my books aside for a few hours and went to the cell phone store. Alltel, which has been my phone company for 6 years, was recently bought out by AT&T, who I assume by now is owned by AOLTimeWarnerWalMartMarthaStewartFordFritoLayCompany. I don't know anything about phones except that when I use mine it emits a special ray that lets me drive using ESP while I text on it, but apparently, Alltel phones are incompatible with AT&T systems (sensing some sort discrimination here, just have to dig a bit and I could probably file some sort of hate crime lawsuit). I think AT&T should change their system out to meet the needs of my recycled flip phone that is about 4 years old now and has pieces falling off of it, but apparently in this relationship, it's all about them. SO after receiving 3 letters in the mail with glossy pictures of genetically superior AT&T phones, and getting propaganda emails about how great these phones are, and most recently, receiving threatening texts about what will happen if I don't go pick a new phone, I finally conceded and headed to the local Klan headquarters to upgrade to one of their preselected phones.
For the record, this whole thing just stinks. They buy out my company, they declare my phone's name is suck, they preselect 5 phones for me to choose from, and then if I want to even consider touching my plan in any way, shape, or form, they want me to sign a contract declaring my allegiance and fealty to them for the next 432 years of my life. If I decide to cancel this contract, they reserve the right to eliminate me from the gene pool to prevent the possibility of any of my potential successors from being around to cancel phone contracts in the future. They don't say this outright, but I know the truth.
Five minutes after walking in, I have my new phone selected, and the guy tells me, "It will probably be here in January." So after all of the threats and emails and texts about how upgrading my phone is quite possibly the most important thing I will do in this life, they won't have it till January. Which is totally fine...I didn't want to change phones in the first place. Mine is awesome because I can leave it out on a table at school or forget it on a store counter and NO ONE will steal it because it is so old!!! I've dropped it out of my truck multiple times over the last couple of years and it still works like a charm! Maybe they want my phone back so they can copy its longevity chromosome and incorporate it into their little AT&T phone gene pool. It's just a theory. I don't think I will let them have it. All I have to say to them is this: Don't think I don't know what you think I don't know.