A day in the life.

Apologies to any offended.

I just realized that I haven't really introduced the cast of characters that play a daily role in my school life. I have my BFFs and I won't make fun of them here. I only do that to their faces. They are the two awesome girls that I study with and that I share "it's five o'clock somewhere" post-anatomy test margaritas with.
My campus is really small. At first I didn't think it was too small but I'm starting to realize that everyone knows everyone, which is overall nice but sometimes makes you claustrophobic. My point is that I see the same people over and over every single day without fail. I don't know them by name but I see them more often than I see my own family. The awesome part of not knowing their names is that I can (and do) make endless, merciless fun of them.

Lieutenant Dan: I swear this guy looks EXACTLY like Lt. Dan in Forrest Gump. He's also known as Mr. Red-shirt wearer, because he wears (ready?) a red shirt every single day. I'm not sure if it' the same one or if he has a whole closet full but I do wonder if he lies awake each night wondering what to wear the next day. Maybe he started with one red shirt and six white shirts and his mama never taught him how to do laundry, so the one red shirt just keeps multiplying indefinitely, like a starfish or earthworm. I want to go tell him "WASH IT SEPERATE! BREAK THE CYCLE! STOP THE MADNESS!" He takes his shoes off while he studies and his socks are quite white, which means my washing machine theory may have a few holes in it. Dryer theory is a whole 'nother deal. It's the explanation for how one sock disappears while the other remains. These are both very complicated string theories so I won't go any deeper tonight.

Forrest: Ok, he doesn't look like Forrest, and I don't have an obsession with that movie. The guy justs acts like it and when he talks in my nutrition class, regardless of what he is saying, all I hear is "an bolled shrimp an fried shrimp an shrimp gumbo an shrimp scampi an.." We also call him Bobble-head because his head moves around like that while he is talking. Yea. He sits right by me and I have sudden unexplainable coughing fits when he talks. And his eyes close the entire time and he keeps this stupid smile on his face all the while. Yesterday, I kid you not, he went off about how his aunt was super-obese and she decided to have the stomach-banding surgery and then she died three days later but it was a good thing she had it done because then other morbidly obese people could see that it was a viable option. I don't think I need to say anything further.

Homeschoolers: Well, I'm fairly positive that they were homeschooled. I can spot homeschoolers at 5 miles. It's a brother and sister team and they walk everywhere together in their clothes that unfortunately went out of style about 10 years ago. I think they share clothes with their parents. They pull rolling backpacks and sit together listening to rebel country music on their laptops. The music thing would be fine except that they haven't grasped the idea of EARBUDS, so when they enter the big study room and sit in the corner, we all get to hear Shania Twain feel like a woman. Even better, the girl sings along. Loudly. Yea, it is that painful.

Wedgie-man: Self-explanatory. He's an aviation student and at the start of the semester, he was really good looking, but that changed as we were walking down a desolate hallway one day. He was walking maybe 12 feet ahead of us and seriously, he had to have known there were two girls behind him, because let's face it, I'm not known for talking quietly, but he went ahead and solved his wedgie-issue anyway. And he didn't do it discreetly...more like one foot lifted off the floor. I know he knows we saw, because lets face it, it's not like I laugh at people any quieter than I talk. Oh well. It's his own fault.

Inside sun glasses wearer guy: Another student pilot. He's eleven. Ok ok fine...maybe he's 20. He hasn't hit puberty yet, just managed to get really tall without any other apparent hormonal changes. He still has the little boy "my mom cuts my hair" style going on, but this dude rocks his Top Gun sunglasses inside the building all the time. I'm going to buy a pair just like his so when he is standing there near my table, I can just nonchalantly slide mine on and be as cool as him. Maybe I could walk to the bathroom or to the vending machines while he is there...but my eyes are bad anyway so I'd probably trip over power cords and pull like 5 laptops to the floor, or I'd fall down the cafeteria stairs. Or I could stand there fumbling with the buttons on the coke machine, trying to correctly insert my money but unable to see the slot.

Mr Awesome Hair Guy: Sorry, I really promise this is the last student pilot I make fun of. They just make the easiest targets. Besides, he is so awesome that it would be unfair to him to not list him here. I'd say he's around 25-30, and he's going to marry himself. He walks around in his awesome uniform (they wear white shirts, dark blue pants, dark blue tie, and black shoes). Sort of a Mr. Rogers effect if you ask me but anyway...they also have a flight jacket. He grabs the collar of the jacket and holds it over his shoulder, and as he walks, he tosses his tanned head so as to flip his surfer hair. Each time I see him crossing the commons, I want to start yelling ''WORK IT!...WORK IT!!...."

This concludes this session of "How to be a snarky, cynical, sarcastic critic of all you survey". Tune in again next time and I'll introduce the cafeteria crowd.